Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

This year, has not been the most difficult of the nine I’ve been in recovery. But, it’s one I will admit a lot of struggle.

This past year has been incredible- I’ve spent it with a man I adore, friends and family I care about. I’ve gone to some cool places and done great things. I’ll acknowledge how fortunate I am for the life I have.

But I’ve struggled, still. I can divulge that truth.

This year, I’ve been called a “fat cow,” “built like a boy,” “big boned,” “bitter and rude.” I’ve been asked if I was pregnant, and been told I’m “just” doing this in my life (and taken great offense to it). I’ve been judged as a physically bigger person than a stranger (out loud… I know).

I have been shamed into believing my jobs are my competencies and worth. I’ve been denied job after job- I can’t find one I like, or one which appreciates me. Even my loved ones, who mean nothing of it, have, at times, made me feel like a severe underachiever.

I take things personally and try not to be so sensitive. I have been through much worse; I’ve spoken to myself with harsher words and more self-punishing sentiments.

This year has been hard.

But you know what? I'm harder.

I’m stronger because of my past. I’m kinder because I know what it’s like to be ignored and treated with no compassion. I’m open because I know what it’s like to feel alone and judged. I work harder, because I know that no one will do life’s work for me- I don’t want them to. I’m Type-B, because Type-A wasn’t a good look for me. I’m happy because every day I choose to see the good, to choose joy.

The physical part of an eating disorder is not the most difficult. A person can gain weight if they’re forced to. They can eat. They can keep their food down. It’s a physical discipline.

It’s the mental part that is so addicting, that it must be a disease.

“If they say I look good when I lose weight, I must keep doing what I’m doing.”

“I’m not doing enough until people start worrying about me.”

“I’ll win when I lose.”

It’s not so easy to “just eat” when you crave control of a piece of your life. Take ownership and “show them” how disciplined you really are.

I have had years where I would periodically console myself by exiting my own life, escaping to the dark place where I had an excuse to not participate. Because it is hard. Because I didn’t want to face the difficulties that come with making my own decisions, being responsible for my own life.

At first during recovery, honestly, I didn’t care about living. I wanted my family to stop nagging me. I didn’t care if I died, or maybe I should to make it easier for everyone else. But, I decided instead to trust other people who saw my potential, because my mind was obviously distorted. I became comfortable with being uncomfortable.

To turn that switch is the most difficult part of an eating disorder. To say, I want to get better for me, and these are the steps I need to take. I don’t want to be a victim. I want to be independent. And a role model and lead my own life.

I have not had an especially easy road, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I have had a year to shake my confidence, to reestablish my strength. I look back to that time, how it all happened, how it lasted so long, the effect it had on everyone around me and I bow and shake my head. How did I allow all of that in my world?

Eating Disorder Awareness Month, February, is my most passionate month. It’s my time for pride and talking about important issues. I still need reminders of my potential and the important person I am to others. Some days are way better/easier/prettier/more fun than others, and that's okay. I'm human, afterall.I’m not perfect, but I’m not afraid or ashamed.

Let’s work to reduce the stigma of weight and body image issues, because it’s a timely issue. Talk to yourself as if it were a loved one, with love and respect. Your body is your temple, as cliché as that sounds. It houses your spirit and potential and all of your wonderfulness. Take care of it, inside and out.

If you see someone struggling, reach out with compassion and concern. There’s help, none of us have to be alone.

I’m no professional, just a gal with a lot of personal time with eating disorders.

#eatingdisorders #selflove #knowingyourself #becoming #life