Life Student

"There will be a time when you will look back and be thankful that certain people, opportunities and things were removed from your life because you would have never found yourself, had you not lost them. Sometimes, we get so caught up worrying about what we lost, rather than realizing what we are gaining in its absence."

I’m smart. I’m not a genius and I don’t have the ambition to be a millionaire. I didn’t go to graduate or medical school. But, I’m smart in that, I didn’t have to try too hard in grade school, and I can problem-solve pretty well in the real world.

Last week I received my college diploma in the mail. It took me roughly eight years to complete, after high school. My undergraduate diploma. I feel embarrassed, sort of. Also pride. Amazement. But, I’ll say this: I’ve learned more about myself and the world than many other people my age.

I’ve found that many of my classmates went straight to college. There, they partied and had fun, made lasting memories and friends, sisters and brothers, if they were into the Greek life. In the meantime, they wondered how they fit into the world, who they were, what they wanted to do. Do I act like this cool person, or will I be accepted as I am? Is it okay to say no to things I secretly don’t like? Can I share my feelings, or will I be reprimanded?

I think we’re all still figuring it out. I know I am. But, from the time I originally went to college, left, and did “nothing” with my life, that’s the most learning I’ve engaged myself in my entire life.

In that time, I wrote in my journal, where anything was possible. I read books. Thoughtful ones and light reads, alike. I went to therapy and paid to be kicked in the butt with reality. I asked questions and received hard answers. I cried. I learned how to laugh. I understood what it meant to have empathy, be compassionate and accepting. I trusted everything, and then nothing, and then found my medium. I realized the type of woman I wanted to be was inside me all along.

I want to be seen as courageous. Loving. Honest. Trusting. Kind. Generous. Creative. Fun.

I finished college. I went back, after five years of not touching a volleyball, and competed for a national championship. I learned a lot more about what I want to do in my life, not just as a career, after learning my strengths as a person. My perspective was broader. I wouldn’t have traded that order of events. I never wanted to be 22, sitting in a cube, wearing starched clothing, anyway.

What I’m doing as a person is valuable. I don’t have a job I love. But I have people in my life I love, who love me. I have a zest for life, I like to think, that won’t settle for what doesn’t satisfy my craving for happiness. What I hope in my life is to create inspiration. To live a little more happy, relaxed, to be kinder, more aware. To work on yourself, seeing yourself as an evolving being. And giving yourself grace to do so.

In my last post, I shared about feeling guilt as a person. I feel that way… but I try to work through it to find how I want to feel is content and love for myself. And I work to get back there. It’s the ebb and flow of life, feeling hard things for a moment. Knowing they’re not you.

So in receiving my diploma, eight years out, I am ashamed and guilt-ridden for my laborious journey. But in my process, I’ve received the best education that money cannot buy. And that’s knowing myself just a little better, knowing strength and perseverance first hand.

So after my shame, I look at my path in awe, feeling proud of getting to this spot in time. Looking back, so I can look inward and forward. I can see it as giving myself the openness of life-learning I’m eager to continue.

#knowingyourself #college #adultstuff #becoming #life #selflove