Guilty.

I have to say it, and I feel a little (lot of) shame about it. I feel bad about feeling this way, and I feel bad about feeling bad about it... It’s a cycle I cannot win. And I cannot help.

I’ve been feeling immense guilt. It started before a few weeks ago, before Thanksgiving. And then I went home and felt it even more in the times of quiet. Like I couldn’t sit still with myself because I feel bad for not doing and being more. I hope, if you feel this way, you know you're not alone.

If anyone knows me and “my story,” they’ll know that I pretty much went to Hell. There, I danced with the Devil, and slithered my way back to Earth, while my family was tugging me up through the earth, with no help from me. And I’m here, happy most days for getting here. Sad sometimes, not because I want to go back there, but because, well, shouldn’t there be a bigger reason I survived?

Shouldn’t I be doing more, being less of a burden to people? Giving, supporting, influencing, and working hard to make the world a little less harsh.

When my family asks what I want for Christmas, I feel guilty. Nothing. You’ve given me my life back, and I feel bad you had to do that. I feel bad it’s not worth more. I feel bad I’m wasting hours sitting behind a desk, not being able to pay anyone back for what they’ve given me, materially or emotionally.

My boyfriend does everything for me. Without asking, he gives and he does. “I feel that I don’t deserve all this,” I tell him. “I feel guilty I don’t do enough for you,” he says. Love him.

But, the cycle continues in other ways here. I feel bad for him that I’m sad. I feel guilt that I make him feel he is not enough, because I can’t love myself fully right now. It has nothing to do with him, but he loves me unconditionally, anyway (except when I ate the last “big” tortilla chips that one time). It confuses him why I would feel guilty about who I am, when he feels so much love and respect for me. There's no logical reason with and to him that I feel bad. But he hugs me anyway.

During the holidays, I feel more guilt than usual, I think. It’s a time of giving, and I feel like what I have to give is not enough. I can’t find a job that will accept me for the qualities you can’t quantify. I can’t buy a surplus of gifts, or give extreme amounts of time. I can’t decide who is genuine in loving me, giving me their real attention in a fast, techy world; and so, I feel somewhat unlovable. I know it’s not warranted, and a feeling that is not forever

I feel guilty for feeling like this, for the way I encourage people to be happy with who they are. Let me say that, before I end, I like who I am. But I can’t trust myself for the enjoyment I feel, because of the rejection I face in life. I can’t trust that I am loved, when it’s easy to click a button to show it. That’s not love, that’s not proving it.

So the guilt will pass, but in the meantime I feel it. I will get to know the feeling, and why I’m feeling it. I’ll sit with it, because there’s no other way around it. I will continue writing it out (on my own time), until I can look at it and laugh. Because I know I’m worthy of life. Right now, I just have forgotten it.

#advice #love #life #becoming