Just Wonderful

I have worked really hard to be a happy, relaxed, confident person. I am working**, I mean. You don’t just find these things, I know. It’s an endless pursuit. So when someone comes in to challenge that, it gets to me.

Let me just preface that, in the four months working my job in the office of a high school, I’ve learned to not put up with any shit. I handle rude people all day. Entitled, selfish, grouchy, belittling people. At first, I took everything personally. Now, I tell them how they’re acting and I am not interested in helping people who treat me that way.

Yay, mini victories for my self-worth.

But, should I have to do this daily? Sir, if you want me to help you, I suggest you not talk to me like that. Ma’am, I’m not going to allow you to speak to me with that attitude. Daily. Hourly. It’s exhausting to be challenged and have to stand up for yourself that often, to defend that you, in fact, are a person and deserve to be treated with a little respect, no matter your job.

I always felt pride in myself, in how I treated everyone. The janitor, the principal, my coaches, my teammates, my younger peers. It didn’t matter. Plus, there are some nasty people out there and I wanted to be sunshine.

I’ve had an interaction recently that hasn’t left me. The woman involved is a mother of one of my players. She’s beaten cancer, has raised two children, and is very much a part of her daughters' lives. I give one of her kids’ volleyball lessons.

I have started working a part-time job on the weekends. So, basically I work 70+ hours a week now: my job at the high school, coaching volleyball, and now this part-time job. I’m still making nil. But, I saw her at my part-time job after having to leave a volleyball game early.

“So, you’re just working here and at the high school???” Just. I’m just.

I heard: I’m just average. I’m just going to underachieve my whole life. I am just not enough.

I can’t say, “She made me feel…” because I am stronger than to let someone else dictate my feelings, self-worth, future… But… what she said shot me in the side.

In an instant, it minimized my worth. It reversed, temporarily, the work I’ve done to not let idiotic words tell me what I am and what I am not. I let it happen.

Of course I felt terrible, but then I got to thinking about the real situation.

She expects me to be young, successful and more. But I’m not there yet. I know that.

There’s a quote that says,

“We have a tendency to want the other person to be a finished product, while we give ourselves the grace to evolve.”

(T.D. James)

I do a lot for her daughters. I give them my attention, encouragement, excitement for their success. I don’t give them money or things. I give them intangible qualities that make me a good coach and role model, I think. But it’s not enough?

I think my entire life I’ve been trying to be a better person. Not to make more money, or become more well-known or “better” in the eyes of other people. But I want to be the kind of person others can trust and value. Because I live an authentic and honest life. Because I truly care. Because I work hard to live out my beliefs. Because I can realize we are all people, no one better than the other. Because I have done enough self-work thus far to have confidence about where I am. Even if it is just here, for now.

I’ve beat myself up for too long about “just” being human. So what. My job has taught me to move on from people who diminish my light and demean my purpose. And my years on earth have taught me to love the person I’m becoming, as we are all evolving, constantly. That I’m not done yet and either are you.

And isn’t that a wonderful thought?