Half of Your Team

A couple days ago I ran into a man who is a volunteer coach in my college athletic department. We used to find ourselves in the weight room at the same time after I’d finished playing ball, and we’d often talk: about pro sports, biking, traveling… and even though we weren’t on deep personal terms, he had a sense about me and constantly encouraged me to try new things. I have always found him interesting and insightful, so I made it a point to say hello.

We made pleasant small talk and he mentioned he was going to California a lot, more than 100 days of the year. I had known he was dating a woman there and asked him if they were still together, and made verbal assumptions of the distance being difficult, that’s so nice he goes there, etc. He told me something I will not forget. He said:

“You know, no matter how old I get, dating in itself is fine, but it’s being on a team that’s difficult. You both want things for yourself, but putting someone else before those things… that’s the tricky part.”

Here he is, working in Florida and doesn’t want to give it up; and she’s successful working in California and doesn’t want to give that up. If there was no sacrifice, is it worth it? That he is able and willing to travel so much helps her schedule. It helps him because he loves visiting that part of the country. But it mostly benefits the team- if he didn’t go, would they be able to make their personal and physical connection?

While arguing and going about daily business, this mindset is tremendously helpful! In the past, I had a partner tell me we’re on a team, but it was one-sided. He wanted me to see his side when I was upset, but couldn’t do the same when he felt I was wrong. In the original situation, it doesn’t matter who does the traveling, as long as both parties are working for the goal of being one unit, and both are giving what they can.

In a relationship, it is absolutely a partnership, a teammate duo. You understand you’re working for the same thing: to be happy, to not hurt the other, to get your needs met and help your significant other meet theirs. But it’s not always the same across the board; we’re all different, we all have different priorities, interests, needs and personalities...

Have you read that cheesy relationship book The 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman)? As the title suggests, the book is about five different ways we give and receive love. Most people have one or two strengths; the key is to figure out what is the most important language to your partner, and learn to speak and act in their love language, as well as find out yours and know how to ask for what you need. In business, love, or friendship, I believe relationships are important- I highly recommend you picking up this (easy-to-read) book. It's definitely something to conversate over with your current/future significant other.

The biggest take-away from this man is that being happy and in love doesn't mean it comes easy. It takes a lot of time and energy to give yourself to someone, and to let yourself appreciate them fully, as well. I would never give up on a teammate unless it was a thoroughly toxic situation. Sparks and butterflies are nice, of course. But to gain deep meaning and connection? Well, that's more than magic.

#life #adultstuff #advice